The following is a listing, nay, a memoriam. This is a first hand account, entailing men of honor, men with great strength, and most of all men with no names. These are the men whose sole purpose in their story is to die. Though they are not shown dismembered or impaled, their injuries are most certainly both multifarious and fatal.
X-Men III
The guys driving those cars that Magneto crushes magnetically.
One early morning I found myself standing in the road, awaiting a few armored cars driving ever-forward, their drivers keenly unaware of what lay ahead. My compatriot Mystique found herself sealed and stuck, an unwilling transportee in a long line of transporters. But wait, what’s this? The driver’s pulse jumped involuntarily. There I stood, Magneto, Master of Magnetism, hand held out ever steady. With a deft squeeze of my fingers and wave of my hand I crumpled the first few cars in this caravan, tossing them to the side of the road like so much rubbage. I peeled my way through this useless herd of humans until I reached my ally in waiting. Although the bodies were not shown, you can rest assured that those humans did, in fact, definitely die.
Metal Gear Solid 4
Those dudes that the first group of metal gear walkers jump on.
Snake here. Lemme tell you about one of the many things I remember from the GotP (Guns of the Patriot) incident. A thick haze of heat filled the air. I stood in a crowd of soldiers, armed with M-16s and Pineapples.
*Snake then talks a bit more about the weapon selection, eventually drawing a comparison between the arms selection of the modern soldier to the French-Indian war.
I could feel the tension in the air, my trigger finger tightening as I heard the sound of summer cicadas fill the air. The nearby soldiers seem calmer, lulled into a false sense of complaisance by the noise.
*Snake speaks for another five minutes about feelings of complaisance in society being caused by over exposure to the media; rendering free will an illusion… it all gets convoluted from there.
Suddenly, the source of the sound revealed itself. Mechanical beast after mechanical beast leap forward, metal gear walkers branded with the codename of “Gecko” fly out from hiding, crunching several men beneath their feet.
*Pauses to light a cigarette
What? No, sorry pal, this is my last one.
*He then chuckles and coughs.
Anyway, once those Geckos hopped down I didn’t waste any time. I unloaded round after round into those things and got the hell out. One thing’s for sure, though, those soldiers definitely didn’t make it outta there.
*Snake takes one final drag from his cigarette and then puts it back into its container.
D’you mind turning that recorder off? I have places I need to be.
Spider-Man
The dude that the light pole hits when Spider-man gets knocked into it by the Green Goblin.
HaaahhaahahahaaHAHAHA! Norman Osborn was too much of a coward to do this interview, so the Green Goblin will have to take over for him!
What? No, no, no, noooo! I can do the interview!
Wisen up, Normie! You just can’t bear to get your little hands dirty, so you have to bring in the Gobbo to do your dirty work!
No, never! It’s not true!
It is true, Norman! You’re too scared to do this interview, just like you were too scared to take care of your treacherous ex-coworkers!
The board? What did you do to them?!?!
Nothing, I just made sure that their little celebration was a scream!
You monster!
Everything was going smoothly until that jerk Spider-man showed up! I had to slap him around all over the place just to escape! I even had to hammer the little bug into a light pole, which conveniently fell over and smacked some random fatso in the head.
Is…is he ok?
Whoooo, Fatso? Sure, he and his stupid family are fine.
Oh…ok. That’s a relief.
Yep, they’re just fine. Since the attack happened at a city event, the city covered the cost of digging a hole big enough to bury that fatso in!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
The Incredible Hulk
That Hispanic guy that was harassing Bruce Banner that the Hulk punches in the factory.
HULK MAD! HULK WAKE UP IN FACTORY, AND HULK MAD! LITTLE MAN JERK TO WEAK BANNER AND MAKE HULK MAD! HULK GET MAD AND CHASE LITTLE MAN, HULK STILL MAD, AND HULK SMASH LITTLE MAN! LITTLE MAN FLY INTO MACHINERY, HULK A LITTLE LESS MAD! LITTLE MAN OK AFTER HIT, BUT DIE MONTHS LATER FROM STD! HULK GLAD! HULK SMASH STDS!
